Monday, May 30, 2005
A blissful blend random ramble and news or such...
Last weekend, (not the one we just experienced, the one before), our dear friend David
finally made us a Blended Chai, which is a frozen derrivation of the Chai Latte. For over a month, the Yorkshire Angel and I have heard dear, sweet [excuse me whilst I vomit] pleasant David utter the following phrase...
A blissful blend of black tea, delicious warm spices, honey, Madagascar vanilla, and milk. Served cold, it's frothy and refreshing. Served warm, it's soothing and mellow.
David would forget to tell the customers one other minor detail, which he warned us about. IT TASTES LIKE RAT POISON. Not that we know what rat poison really tastes like. But the Second Cup Chai Tea is our best guess as to what tastes similar.
Needless to say, we had the blended (cold) Chai. It was great when all you could taste was the white chocolate. Then I got a sour look on my face as it hit, and David had an evil smile... "it's the Chai isn't it?"
God it was fucking horrible. Not a single employee of that Second Cup disagrees. It is poison.
Just like this...
As a sanctuary from possible threats to anglo's from the blessed land (hereafter referred to as Quebec) and the violent language reforms that have torn the province apart, Toronto seemed to be a sweet, delicious haven of anglo Quebecers. Before I go on, do note that this is the clearest day downtown Toronto will experience.
And as most Torontonians ask, why would I move here...
when I live in the self proclaimed greatest city ever? We at A Golden World have a rebuttal to the cry of the
TOP FIVE REASONS TO LEAVE TORONTO TO MOVE TO VANCOUVER
5. Toronto sports fans are the worst sucks, spoil sports, and bandwagon hoppers ever. They don't even realize they have the CFL Grey Cup champion Argonauts in their city. The pollution is clouding their mind. Also, Toronto believes in the Leafs. Vancouver supports the Canucks. In the last thirty years, the Canucks made the Stanley Cup finals twice, where Toronto has failed to reach it, and has hit the semi-finals only once.
4. No new number of jobs in the city in the last 10 years, yet the population has doubled. Vancouver has more jobs than people.
3. This is the best ski hill in the GTA. It has a vertical of 720ft.
This is the best ski hill near Vancouver. It has a vertical of 7,494 feet.
2. The best pot on the planet.
1. Film work in Toronto is for shit independent films that pay nothing to be a Director of Photography. Vancouver is a hotbed of jobs that pay even lowly Production Assistants, and you can get in the union.
GUESS WHO GOT ONE OF THOSE JOBS!!
neolithic pondered at 20:48 |
So which game is really football?
It is definitely beginning to be a sport
Well, for a little backstory, the FIFA version of football is the older version, having roots back to English mediaeval times, and is universally more recognized as the game of football.
In North America, the game referred to as football is the one that has all the hype on Sundays, the players wear more armour than a tank invading Iraq. And it doesn't stop there. The rules for football in the US, in the NFL, are different than those in Canada, and the CFL. College and the Pros have different rules.
In Australia, there game is so bizarre we won't even mention it.
So who's right? Traditionally, FIFA football should be the correct choice. But in our world, money talks. And there aren't any richer, fatter, and more gluttonous people than the Yanks. So it's FIFA vs. The NFL. And without further adieuTM,
A GOLDEN WORLD STACKS UP THE TWO FOOTBALLS. WHO WILL BE THE TRUE FOOTBALL?
1. Breaking down the name
Football. Hmm... let me think. It seems to be a compound of two words. One being
foot, and the other being
ball. In FIFA, all players typically handle the ball with their feet, though can use any appendage aside from the arms and hands. Except the goalie. But most play is done with the feet. Hence FIFA does live up to the name football.
In the NFL, most of the ball handling is with the hands, where only in extra point, field goal, punting, and kick-offs, is the ball handled with the feet, which is about 5% of gameplay. Oddly enough, players get kicked in the BALLS, or groin, more often during a game.
In FIFA, the object of the game is to put the ball in the goal, more times than your opponents. Each goal is worth one point.
In the NFL, the object is to outscore your opponent, getting 6 points for a touchdown, which you can convert by kicking for 1 extra point, or running back into the end zone for two. You can get 3 points for kicking a field goal, and 2 points for, on defense, tackling your opponent into their own end zone with the ball, all in order to get scores of 42-35, because 3-2 just plain isn't exciting enough. To add to matters, the rulebook is thicker than any other sport, and needs a master's degree in international relations to understand fully.
3. Respect for the other.
In FIFA football countries, they call the NFL American Football, just to identify there is a bit of a difference, and just to jab at America, as the name is an insult outside of the union.
In North America, FIFA football is named Soccer, to make it seem really gay and stupid, so nobody would ever think of calling such a pansy sport something as masculine as football.
With the A Golden World official tallyTM, FIFA edges the NFL 2-1, without the need for extra time or penalty kicks. The NFL is hereby asked to rename themselves. I have two suggestions.
2. American Rugby.
neolithic pondered at 07:08 |
Friday, May 27, 2005
Implement of the Week - Inagural
Lately, I've been filled with the desire to smite those who annoy the living hell outta me. I guess it was Tuesday though, when an old fluke event took place. I was actually driving my car, listening to the radio (and not the Yorkshire Angel's CD favorites), I got to listen to Tool of the Day with John Derringer.
Now I've got to thinking... I could do the same thing. But I can't blatantly blast "Tool of the Day" for my own. So we have
IMPLEMENT OF THE WEEK
as I don't post to this blog 8 times a day like certain wealthy, unemployed, and bored immigrants.
So without further adieu, this weeks
IMPLEMENT OF THE WEEK
Yesterday the Yorkshire Angel and I went to Canada's Wonderland for an afternoon of weather enjoyment after a morning sprint of jobhunting. After getting a healthy, but not fully soaking experience on White Water Canyon, I decided to dry off on the stand up looping coaster, Skyrider.
Image Blasted from airline-seat.net
Needless to say, this is one of the few rides at the park my beloved angel doesn't care to ride, and as such, went on the ride by myself.
After a 1/2 hour queue, myself and three people I befriended in line were up next. Because of Dawn's inhibitions for Skyrider, this would be my first go on it all year long. The yellow car pulled into the loading station, at which time it was announced to us by a pimply faced teenager that the ride was "undergoing maintenance" and would be operable again shortly.
Well, a bit of time passed, and nothing. Then, the same pimply faced teenager mistakenly announced they were looking for a lost item. After a few minutes more, it turned out to be a sandal. A cute, pink sandal.
Image blasted from www.hosono.co.jp
Finally, after nearly 20 minutes of waiting, success. Or so we thought. The pimply kid couldn't start the ride back up. You could see him in his station, frantically motioning around, ripping open his operator's manual, to get further and further frustrated. I had a friend who used to operate roller coasters there. To start it, you have to press ONE BUTTON. If it isn't working, pick up the phone instead of acting like an idiot. You inspire confidence that the floor operators do lock you in securely so you don't fly out.
Stop being such an implement.
neolithic pondered at 13:13 |
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Balance has been brought back to the Force
But not quite in the same way as you all might have figured. Liverpool FC have won the European Cup, Champions of the UEFA Champions League, the "Stanley Cup" of football in Europe.
Image gratiously blasted from BBC.
But how does this bring the ForceTM back into balance? Steven Gerrard has not donned a black helmet with a respirator. Manchester United is still in the Champions League next season? What gives?
The answer lies in the year 1920. The year two justices are done in a completely different sport. Major League Baseball. First off, and with broad sweeping legal implications (and keep in mind my feelings about wanting to chain lawyers to the bottom of the sea), Shoeless Joe Jackson, depicted here
I'm sure all these baseball photos are blasted from the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame.
along with seven other teammates, got banned from baseball for life (well and afterlife) for conspiring to fix the World Series.
To get away from the complete negativity brought on by lawyers and their evil kindred, the Boston Red Sox delighted the Golden World-a-verse (somewhat akin to the View Askew-iverse) when owner Harry Frazee sold Ruth to the New York Yankees to raise money for his Broadway theatrical productions.
In that single move, all the positive energy in the baseball universe shifted from the then most successful franchise, the Boston Red Sox, to the "Third" team in the big apple, the former New York Highlanders, recently re-christened the Yankees.
85 years of bliss followed. The Red Sox fell apart. The Yankees won 26 World Series (which brings bliss to the Golden World). When the Red Sox got to the series, they would get inches from winning without grasping for the final victory, just like in this video.
Then last year, it seemed as though the veil of the dark side had fallen. Amongst many atrocities, some IDIOT Boston reporter said that Johnny Damon
bore some resemblance to Jesus.
Buddy Christ blasted from View Askew Productions.
So, to punish those in the Golden World-a-verse, God (or some reasonable facsimile) lifted the beloved curse on the most hated sports franchise on the planet. The Boston Red Sox. Don't believe me? Ben Affleck is a fan. He is potentially the worst actor EVER. And we all hated his shit with J-Lo. Anyhow, 2004, Sox win the series. You're 'umble writer vomits for weeks, denying the event.
Waking up from his drunken stupor, God, who realizes both the curse being lifted, plus the lack of hockey, sees only one way to make it up. Give the winningest football club in England the Champions League championship (strange way to put it, but yeah). They were shit in the Premiership (only to be bested in shittiness by a rowdy group of Geordies who have a fetish for red cards), but yet when it mattered, the Reds were possessed as if by a higher being.
Thank you God (or whoever you are, just don't end up being George Burns), for putting things right.
Psssst... take care of this moron while you're at it, ok?
neolithic pondered at 19:27 |
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
TIFR. Usually in my experience, these are the more mundane, informative rather than entertaining reads. But now, in the age of realitainmentTM and infotainmentTM, reality is proving to be more entertaining and amusing than fiction.
Thanks to Todd for an entertaining yet scary email he sent me today. So, without further adieu, here's the article, blasted in it's entirity.
THINK YOU HAVE MAJOR COMPUTER PROBLEMS?
A woman went out to a local computer store to buy a computer that her family wanted her to get so she could e-mail them. The sales person told her that they would deliver the computer, set it up and give her some pointers on using it. If she had any problems later, all she had to do was call their "Technical Support"; they would talk her through it over the phone or come back to her house to find the problem. The sales person asked her if she wanted to purchase 2 years in house warranty, the woman said yes.
A few months went by, she was getting good at sending and receiving mail and checking the other web sites with only one call to tech support ... until one day, she called tech support.
SUPPORT: "Hello, technical support, how can I help you?"
LADY: last night my computer started making a lot of hissing noise at me, so I shut it down. This morning when I turned on the computer it started hissing and cracking, then started smoking and a bad smell, then nothing.
SUPPORT: I'll have a technician come over first thing this morning. Leave the computer just like it is so they can find the problem and fix it or change it out with another computer. Give me your address and phone number and the technician will be there just as soon as they can.
When the technician got there, the lady showed the technician where the computer was, said what happened to it and this is what the technician found wrong. Take a look at the pictures... you won't believe your eyes! And you thought you had computer problems...
I'd just like to ask. Did the snake sneak into the lady's home before nesting in the computer? Did the manufacturer put it in the computer before delivery? Is this the evolution of computer virus?
neolithic pondered at 19:49 |
Sunday, May 22, 2005
I swear... somebody ripped off my Alma Mater.
And to add icing on the cake, they got it all wrong. Thanks to Mussel Juice1, I stumbled across a very funny post about how the "Phallus Climb" isn't at all gay.
Then, for one brief second, I was able to remember through the CH3CH2OH haze from my fine days as a PLUMBER2 at Queen's University, and I remember, that in order to attend classes, we had to climb the GreasepoleTM, just in order to attend classes the following Monday. Don't sound convinced?
The original, Greasepole event...
And the US Naval academy event...
Geez, it's like Canada does something good, and our "brothers" from the south try to take the credit for it. Like Basketball. The telephone. Wayne Gretzky. The list goes on and on.
Keep a Queen's (and Canadian) tradition alive.
1 Photo was blasted from Mussel Juice as well. Thanks, though I know I didn't ask.
2 Engineers from Queen's University, enrolled amusingly enough in the faculty of Applied Science, were called humouruously Plubmers.
neolithic pondered at 06:57 |
Saturday, May 21, 2005
A good start...
Which incidentally, is the punchline to one of my favourite jokes of all time. Which all started yesterday. At one of the GTA's big money traps, Canada's Wonderland (oops, I guess I'm getting old... Paramount Canada's Wonderland). I do have to admit... I hadn't been there in over ten years, but it felt like I was just there, like I was still a kid.
Then I read these words. Riders must not stand during the ride.
On TOP GUN, one of their newest coasters.
Which looks like this...
Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm filled with this one very disheartening question. How the fuck is one supposed to stand on a ride in which you dangle from underneath the track?
But it doesn't just happen there. On the other, all metal rail track coasters (more or less all the loopy ones), they all have harnesses that come over both shoulders (and are tight as hell too), and yet those rides ALSO have the no standing clause both printed in the waiting area for the ride, and as well is announced over the loudspeaker right before you ascend the first hill. Even with a floor, how are you supposed to stand up when you are locked into your car better than a high security prisoner transfer.
Then it starts to hit me. Combine the above issue with the following:
Why do all coffee cups caution you their contents may be hot?
Why do fast food restaurants have to emblazen their washrooms and serving areas with signs authenticating that "employees must (and therefore do) wash their hands?"
Why does, in the instructions in a microwave, state that one SHOULD not heat their cat with the device?
Why do rides tell you that you "may" get wet?
It's simple. Some idiot, probably drunk or high, stood up on a roller coaster and fell out. Somebody poured, more than likely accidentally, scalding hot coffee on themselves. Some gross employee, probably at McDonald's of all filth merchants, didn't wash their hands (though this probably INCREASES the nutritional content of their "food"). Some old lady cooked her cat in a microwave and was shocked when the poor creature exploded (sadly enough from what I've read something like this really happened). And last but not least, some total retard went on a water ride, like this one...
That not only splashes you after hitting water dropping down a hill, but takes the piss by geysering you on the way to the unload station, soaking you totally like this...
But why would these corporate companies care? They only care about the dollar. Which is what they lost. Why?
Because of the true scum of the Universe. Not Vogons. Not Emperor Palpatine/Darth Sidious (you heard me, don't expect to be spoiler free here). Even worse than Dubya himself. LAWYERS. These people would rape and kill their own mothers to get a profit. And you may laugh, you think it's ok? Look at the above examples. It takes a brain dead moron to do any of the above things (well ok, spilling coffee is inevitable, but it takes a certain brain malfunction to not realize the brown liquid is hot). But yet, it truly seems that ignorance is bliss, as you can do the utterly stupid, and get paid for it. It's like all of existence is turning into a dreaded reality TV show already.
Cancel this shit already, let's evolve to the 21st century, not digress backwards like most are, joining our apelike genetic cousins.
How do we do this?
ABOLISH ALL LAWYERS.
Or at least, chain 1000 of them to the bottom of the sea.
Why? Read the post again if you haven't figured that out yet.
neolithic pondered at 21:08 |
Thursday, May 19, 2005
OH! MY!! GOD!!!
George Lucas has OFFICIALLY reconciled for his last two, somewhat weak Star Wars films with the truly evil and awe inspiring Revenge of the Sith. Being a life long fan (who, incidentally, has seen ALL SIX films in theatres, all on OPENING DAY, and double duty for the Special Editions, with their 1997 opening day releases as well) today marked some sense of closure on my childhood. The saga is now over (except for watching marathons at home again and again). A page has turned. I was not so moved at the end of The Godfather Trilogy, when Michael finally dies, nor with the uber-impressive The Lord of the Rings trilogy as I had been with this.
As for the latter, The Lord of the Rings, an interesting review was given by one John H. Foote, film critic and freelance writer for Hollywood North magazine, which, in more than enough words, declared that...
LORD OF THE RINGS HAS REPLACED STAR WARS AS THE TRILOGY OF ALL TIME.
Are you kidding? John, you wouldn't know a good film if it came up behind you and BIT YOU IN THE ASS. How do I know this? You snub my films. Yes you all heard me. Not only is John a movie critic, but is also the Director of the
Which leads me to my main point. If such a reknowned critic in Canada can't recognize a pile of shit from a pot of gold, then he may be wrong about Lord of the Rings beating Star Wars. Hell, what good can a little shiny ring do against the Power of the Dark Side, or the chosen one, who can weild the dark side, his most honourable Lord Vader?
Going back to my very frequent attendance of my MECH 341 lab at Clark Hall 11 years ago, and when I say MECH 341, I mean Fluid Mechanics II, but really, when I say all of it, I mean Friday afternoon alcohol binges at Clark Hall Pub, I learned that in a deadlock of geeky Science Fiction and/or Fantasy arguments about who's better than who, there is only one solution, which ironically was passed down from Vince McMahon.
Have an elimination tournament to see who remains.
Therefore, in the next few days, just to be uber geeky around these parts, the results of the best of 32 character elimination tournament will get underway. If you would like to suggest a character, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org by 20 May 2005 at 11:59 PM EDT (GMT -0500) in order to get nominations in. Otherwise (read more than likely) I'll start selecting my roster of 32 characters to battle down to see who is better.
neolithic pondered at 19:56 |
Hey, I could do that...
Having my qualifications leaves me in such a bizzare quagmire (no not Glen Quagmire, Peter Griffin's wacky neighbor who is trying to steal Lois from him and smells like he bathes in Aqua Velva), but rather I experience this rather odd employment issue.
1. I'm vastly overqualified to do electrical and mechanical technological work because of my broad and deep engineering background.
2. I'm vastly underqualified to do jobs such as construction, because though I have aptitude with tools and equipment, I don't have the speed and efficiency to do these tasks repetitively.
Then I stumbled here in my job search.
Drink beer and watch TV for a living. Yep. I can do that.
neolithic pondered at 06:04 |
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
It's a day of the week that ends in the letter Y
Which, by all theory I have evoked in a Master's study in vibration, leads me to just one logical conclusion.
One of my friends must have changed their blog address.
And today's lucky winner... Will...erm, I mean Stigmata. Yeah, that's the ticket. Stigmata has returned to the Typepad world, and today has given a call for pictures. Not that he will (or ever) publish my ugly mug on one of his blogs, but Stiggy, this one's for you...
and though Dawn will hate me for this, here goes these two...
My baby picture...
or better yet, how I shall dress tomorrow (incidentally which is 19 May, 2005):
Hopefully, young Mr. Stigmata will find one of the first two pictures undisturbing enough to either...
1. Not crack his monitor (excuse me as I run and hide now from Dawn's smax)
2. Actually honour me and post to his site. Check back with Stigmata and see if he posts. Email him at email@example.com if he doesn't post them but you want them. Again. And again. And again.
Don't worry Stiggy, nobody reads this tripe.
neolithic pondered at 12:23 |
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Note to America... Liberal isn't a bad word after all
I guess this whole thing started to hit me as I registered this blog with Blog Explosion. Yes, I'm one of the dorks around who gets such a low readership, even some of my friends don't appear to read this one iota. Anyhow, as with my LiveJournal, I started doing some Blog Explosion surfing, only to find those
Did any of these Bush fans ever study World War II in school? Don't they see that
is acting more and more like
Still not convinced? Here's Dubya and Barbara, taken just recently, about to board Air Force One. Notice the position of both Bush's right arms... hell check out the new look of Air Force One...
But for all you Yankees out there (not the baseball players, United States residents instead), this isn't about you. It's about us Canadians. You know, the country represented by oceans in your atlases and maps on the local weather reports. Rather, I'm actually quite giddy about something political that happened today. Belinda Stronach, former Conservative Party Leadership Candidate, has defected to the Liberal Party of Canada. Now I'm sure all you Yanks are really asking what this means. A Golden World would like to summarize a bit of this for you, entitled...
Canada and Liberalism... two things that really aren't all that bad
1. Whereas Liberals are branded as being worse than satan, communism and Hitler combined (seeing recent pics of Bush brings a new irony to this), Canada EMBRACES Liberalism. They are the party that has held the most governments in our countries storied 138 year history. They're the reason we have very affordable health care. Think about this US... why should the rich be the only ones to be able to afford treatments? We all work hard. Shouldn't we be entitled to some enjoyment of life, even when health issues arise? Should health be a luxury of the rich? Absolutely not. And here's a hint. The conservatives feel that health is a luxury only for the rich. We all deserve to live long and prosper. We used to have a party in Canada, called the Progressive Conservatives, which literally translated, means moving forward while standing still. Don't you think these idiots need to rethink a few things by now?
2. Belinda comes from the automotive industry (if you navigate some of the links of that post you can find some references). An industry that HIGHLY profits from the war in Iraq. See, cars need petrol. Petrol (or gas) comes from oil. The two industries are intertwined. Nothing like a war and the death of thousands of young adults to make these fat cats rich. Again. And again. The Conservatives, in a highly intelligent campaign move last spring, made one of their core platforms, that if elected, Canada will engage a 100% commitment to the war effort in Iraq. To a country and electorate who has a 99% disapproval rating of Mr. Bush. Can you hear Red Forman
calling Stephen Harper
a DUMBASS? I knew we could see that. Funny, doesn't look like old Stephen's been laid in about a billion years too. Maybe he should watch Rainbow to learn how to use his plucking instrument, or at least use his left hand (it feels like a strangers). Ms. Stronach, fed up with the politics of it all, left the sexual stalker for the crooked Right Honourable Paul Martin
as her morals for the lives of others outweigh the billions of dollars this war invariably earns her.
Kudos to you. If there was only some way to put the American democracy into what we as Canadians experience as a minority government (ok you UK types too), maybe we can get rid of Bush early.
neolithic pondered at 19:57 |
Monday, May 16, 2005
Apparently there is a world outside of Star Wars
I guess, being a filmmaker, immersed in the world, the subtleties, and the technologies of the film industry, I just don't see it. Or I just don't want to see it. I really can't handle the 9-5 life, just doing my thing, making rent, though I have to right now. You see, I live in Canada. Which essentially means we have no money for things like film. Unless your last name is Egoyan or Cronenberg, then, here's $20 million. And we don't care if your film makes money or not.
But it is that take, until I get notice by some Yankee studio, and they'll give me funding for films, that I must fight the good fight, and have the day job. And from time to time, I must dig my head out of the Force filled Star Wars Universe, to see what's going on in my fantasy, which in turn is the majorities reality.
In Canada - Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip are visiting here in Canada. Well, Alberta and Saskatchewan, to celebrate both provinces centennial anniversaries. Alberta has contributed to Canada (hell the province has more oil than all of the 50 United States combined... but shhhh... don't tell that to Dubya), but Saskatchewan? If you go into downtown Regina, grab a chair, and stand on it, you can see the whole province (it's that flat - and surprising enough, it was a nominee for the tagline for the provincial licence plate - I'm not kidding about that bit). So really nothing newsworthy there. Again the royals just are overhyped for their own good. Just look at Camilla.
But not for too long, lest you get turned to stone. This is the face of the next Queen of England. Creepy.
Sports - Steve Nash is the NBA MVP. I wonder if any yanks at all realize he's a pot-smoking Canuck from Victoria, BC (well, I don't know if he smokes, but being from British Columbia, there's a 99.99% chance he does). But hoops doesn't get much press here. It's all hockey, which an idiot American (could this be a theme),
destroyed for all Canadians, first by financially crippling such thriving teams as *cough* MONTREAL to make way so Los Angeles could have 2 hockey teams (with 500 fans in a city of 20 million), and then cancelling a season, with still no end in site for the lockout. Canada's so fed up with the one sport that matters, that I am following football much more closely than I ever did hockey.
By the way, GO REDS! BEAT AC MILAN!.
I could go on, but my prognosis is correct. Your reality sucks the big one. Hell, even the Simpson's has lost it's edge. So what is left after Star Wars? Well, an Indiana Jones film, the Hobbit, and my films.
As for TV, there is only one choice left...
neolithic pondered at 21:25 |
Why Dawn has to learn to drive manual transmission in two days
Ok, well, maybe not for the first time we see Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, because I want to get the full experience of it. Perhaps, though, after the 20th viewing (which should set us to the weekend sometime, and it's Victoria Day Weekend - 3 Day Weekend - WooHoo!), I want to do what we used to do time and again in university, mostly just to piss off all the Picard wannabes who thought Star Trek would overtake Star Wars as THE standard of science fiction. 10 years later, Star Trek has finally died it's death, and we have so much hype over Star Wars it's no longer funny.
Anyhow, how we pissed off the Picardabe's.
THE STAR WARS DRINKING GAME
The game begins right as "20th Century Fox" appears on the screen.
Once the game has begun, you watch the movie for the listed events. Every time one of them occurs, everybody takes a sip of their drink.
* Someone has a bad feeling about this.
* It's their only hope.
* An entire planet is described as having one climate.
* Somebody gets choked.
* a woman other than Leia is on screen
* An old Jedi starts to ramble about the Force. (Vader counts.)
* Somebody's hand gets cut off.
* A gigantic technological marvel explodes in a single blast.
* There is a tremor in the Force.
* It's not someone's fault.
* One or more heroes are almost eaten by a Thing.
* A Jedi is much more powerful than he looks.
* Someone exclaims "No!".
* Someone does something apparently suicidal that turns out to be a good idea.
* Twice if it's not Han.
* Someone wears the same outfit in all three movies--it counts if they change at the end.
* Someone is mind-controlled using the Force.
* People kiss.
* A good guy wears white or a bad guy wears black.
* Twice if a bad guy wears white and a good guy wears black (for uniforms, only the first person on screen counts).
* Three times if someone hovering in between wears gray.
* Every time you find yourself talking to the people on screen.
* An elaborately made up alien has no lines.
* Someone or something tries to get money from Han.
* Some ship crashes into something after being hit.
* Someone has a light saber duel (includes just using light saber).
* An Ewok dies, and the camera lingers longer than it did when the Death Star exploded, killing billions of people. (Fourteen seconds. Count 'em.)
* It is Luke's destiny.
* Luke whines.
* Luke discovers a long-lost relative.
* Luke fights monsters or savages.
* Luke does some nifty acrobatic flip.
* Luke teeters on the brink of a chasm.
* Luke is upside-down.
* Luke and Lando are in the same place at the same time.
* Twice if they speak to each other.
* Luke's parentage is foreshadowed.
* Luke refuses to take someone's advice.
* Luke yells "Artooooo!".
* Leia insults somebody.
* Leia wears an outfit that covers everything except her face and hands
* Twice if it covers her neck.
* Three times if she's almost totally nude.
* Obi-Wan Kenobi materializes for a guest appearance.
* Obi-Wan Kenobi plays detective. ("...Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise.")
* Han brags about the Millenium Falcon.
* Anybody insults the Millenium Falcon.
* Something doesn't work on the Falcon
* Twice if it's the hyperdrive.
* Yoda uses bad grammar.
* Yoda talks like a fortune cookie.
* R2-D2 gets thrashed.
* R2-D2 plugs into the wrong socket and his head spins around.
* C-3PO loses a body part. (Take two drinks if he is completely dismembered.)
* C-3PO informs us of just how many forms of communication he's familiar with.
* A Rebel pilot is of a race other than white.
* Twice if they're non human (co-pilots count)
* A Rebel Pilot says "Nice Shot..."
* A Rebel Pilot says "I've been hit..."
* Tarkin brags about the Death Star.
* The Emperor cackles evilly.
* The Emperor has foreseen something.
* Vader runs into one of his kids and doesn't recognize them.
* Twice if he tries to kill them.
* Boba Fett talks.
* Stormtroopers shoot everywhere but where they're aiming.
* Stormtrooper armor proves useless.
* Any Imperial Ship is destroyed.
* A TIE fighter explodes for no reason.
Well, for Revenge of the Sith, obviously some of these don't count, so I've bolded the ones I think apply to Episode III (but for all you geeks worse than me, yes, we may see Leia nude in this one, which is like three drinks in this game), though we should add something, so that when Revenge of the Sith comes out on DVD, we can do a marathon 6-episode drinking game.
Damn, I wish I was back in university for this. I can't afford to drink so much anymore. That and I wish Dawn could drive stick (well, she can, but we won't go there).
Special thanks to Josh for archiving a good old game.
neolithic pondered at 20:21 |
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Star Wars 7 Day Countdown #2
Top 10 Sexually Suggestive Lines From...
10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts,
The Empire Strikes Back
10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
7. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm..."
6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
5. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
4. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
3. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
2. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
1. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
Return of the Jedi:
10. "Hey, point that thing someplace else."
9. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."
8. "I never knew I had it in me."
7. "There is good in him, I've felt it."
6. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost... you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie."
5. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."
4. "Back door, huh? Good idea!"
3. "She's gonna blow!"
2. "I think you'll fit in nicely."
1. "Rise, my friend."
Special Thanks to Star Trek & Star Wars Jokes Collection #7.
neolithic pondered at 23:05 |
A Golden World Honours Sith Lord Darth Vader
Yes, at A Golden World, we salute Darth Vader, for not only being a fine example of leadership, compassion, and humanity, but as well, the BEST character in the history of motion pictures.
As to not slight the vast readership (ok the two or three of my friends who read this), A Golden World proudly brings you...
A Golden World Top Ten Runner's Up to Darth Vader as Best Movie Character
10. Dr. Hannibal Lecter, Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal, and Red Dragon.
9. James Tiberius Kirk, Star Trek I - VII.
8. Alex de Large, A Clockwork Orange.
7. Agent Smith, The Matrix Trilogy.
6. John Malkovich, Being John Malkovich.
5. William Wallace, Braveheart.
4. Gollum, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
3. Bob, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me.
2. Bill, Kill Bill, vol. 2.
1. Don Michael Corleone, The Godfather Trilogy.
Yes, what a potent and powerful list of characters who kick some major ass. Yet, for all the unfaithful (whose lack of faith I find DISTURBING) here is how and why Vader just plain kicks all of their asses.
Dr. Hannibal Lecter. Also known as "Hannibal the Cannibal", who ate his victims after murdering them. As to why, who knows, but he does say to Clarice in Silence of the Lambs: first principles. What is he doing. Maybe covering up his mess? Being a doctor, who until being caught assisted police in catching serial killers, must have known to hide the evidence. And maybe he was just hungry. Vader, is just not hiding from anyone. His attitude is more bring it on. That, and his victims either disappear into the force, or he has thousands of clones to clean up his mess for him.
James Tiberius Kirk. Canadian vs. Canadian (Hayden Christensen, who plays the human half of Vader, Anakin, is from Vancouver, BC, and grew up in Toronto, ON). Kirk has definitely gotten around more in the galaxy (just how much of his seed is really spread around? Ask Silk, she's got this Kirk thing going on), but frankly, Kirk has one true fear... hair loss. Anakin/Vader wears it much better. Plus Vader's offspring don't die in sequels.
Alex de Large. Alex killed a woman striking her on the head with a ceramic penis, but let himself get caught and brainwashed to be good. Vader struck down a Sith, Darth Tyrannus, hundreds of Jedi and younglings with his much more phallic sabre, and never got caught. It took over 20 years for his son, Luke, to brainwash him into being good, and killing the Emperor.
Agent Smith. In the Matrix, he is the equal to the "One", Neo, and the two end up cancelling each other out. But how does he even up to the "Chosen One"? Smith just keeps replicating himself over and over again, becoming what he hates, human, and thus, a VIRUS (it's rather funny how few people in my classes in film school caught on to the virus subtext. They smoked too much drugs. Between classes, before classes, after classes, during breaks. And more than just pot too). Vader, with his life capsule, can crush any virus that will attack his system. Falling into lava has it's advantages.
John Malkovich. The only one on the list with more style than the Sith. However, nobody on earth, let alone Lord Vader himself, would ever, EVER let Craig Schwartz enter their mind and turn them into a puppeteer.
William Wallace. Nobody has more balls than William Wallace. And Vader, after falling in lava, has none left as they are charred from his body. But William, old bean. Let go of your wife already. You nearly lost it for all of Scotland holding that silly little rag around the whole film. Vader let go of Padme and nearly killed both his son and daughter, if it hadn't been for the meddling of one galactic shit disturber, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Gollum. Super creepy, super funny, super entertaining. But you couldn't kill the stupid, fat hobbits, opting to let a giant spider named Shelob try to do you dirty work for you. Stupid ex-hobbit. Vader finishes his own jobs.
Bob. Bob succeeded where Vader failed. He managed to recruit his opponent, Special Agent Dale Cooper. But as speech impediments go, stop speaking backwards so we can hear you already. Vader has a crisper voice, and loud enough to be heard over his creepy mechanical breathing.
Bill. He's the man, but he's no Superman. He admits his former concubine, Beatrix Kiddo, she's Superman. He admits defeat before he faces her, only to lose. Well, Bill, though you've inherited Quentin's great style and dialogue, you've also inherited his lack of substance and lack of originality. Vader knows he's the man, and doesn't give ANYONE and edge. Hence...
Don Michael Corleone. The only one on the list to kill family in cold blood. Though Fredo had it coming really. You know your brother's nastier than your pops, and has less respect, just don't fuck with him. Not a selling point to deliberately kill you're family as a character. Vader's just plain posessed to kick the shit out of everyone, and kills his wife in blinded anger when she gets in his way.
neolithic pondered at 21:03 |
7 Days to Star Wars Tribute Webfinds #1
Ok so it's a misnomer. It's four days to Star Wars (and my better half is groaning and whinging beyond repair), and I didn't find these (well originally) on the web, but in the newspaper.
Foxtrot did a whole week storyline in tribute to the HOLY SAGA (note it's not the HOLY TRILOGY anymore - Hooper X I'm looking you're way). Oh and as another sidenote, Lord of the Rings will soon nix out as a holy filmic trilogy, as Peter Jackson signed to do the Hobbit. So Holy Quadrology for you middle earthlings.
God I feel like such a geek. At least I'm not in one of those arguments as to who's better... Picard or Kirk. We'll just leave that for Silk.
Anyhow... on to the comics.
9 May 2005
10 May 2005
11 May 2005
12 May 2005
13 May 2005
14 May 2005
Thank you Fox Trot for being the one comic (that I noticed) that tributed the finest saga of films... Star Wars.
neolithic pondered at 07:37 |
Friday, May 13, 2005
Mail to A Golden World...
As enormous as the readership is for A Golden World as it is presently, I still do try my hardest to reply to all the mail that I possibly can. And when I say enormous, I really mean tiny. When I say try my hardest, what I really mean is if I like you, I'll reply, if I don't, well, tough shit. And if you're just setting yourself up for a piss taking, by all means, you WILL (not you Mr. Derringher) get the piss royally taken out of you.
Just like this letter I recieved two days ago. Regarding a "Job Opportunity" I recently recieved from our "Career Services Department" from "My Alma Mater". Ok, I'll face it. Queen's University is my alma mater really. Four fine drunken years. Golden Words (from which this blog is loosely based on), Clark Hall Pub, more rain than the UK, dying your body with a permanent purple dye called gentian violet, shillacked hair shaped into mohawks spray painted gold. Ahh, those were the days. And cheaper than film school.
Ok enough ranting. On to the email. Which is a forward from our "career advisor", Luann Bilyk.
The Ontario Film Comission referred me to you. My name is El Valasis and I'm working with Beau Flynn and Keith Sweitzer at Contra Film in Los Angeles, CA.
We are looking for interns to work for the Producers of an upcoming feature to be shot in Toronto this summer. This is an amazing opportunity for hardworking, enthusiastic individuals to get their foot in the door and meet and work with people in the biz. The project is a $50 million feature for New Line, directed by Shekhar Kapur (Elizabeth, The Four Feathers) and starring Bruce Willis.
Qualified candidates will be quick on their feet and capable of maintaining a positive attitude during long, long hours and a lot of hard work.
Interviews will start May 19 in Toronto. Please send resumes to Contrafilm, ATTN: SOLACE Internship.
Fax: [insert fax number here]
Which was immediately followed by this email...
PLEASE EMAIL RESUME TO – [insert email here]
Attention – Solace Internship
PLEASE INDICATE IN YOUR COVER LETTER THAT YOU WERE REFERRED BY LUANN BILYK
Wow, the first email from "Career Services" in close to three weeks. But funny, an internship is NOT a career. It isn't even paid. LuAnn, here's a hint. This is a 50 million dollar film. It says so in the email. READ IT. Not just a second email from the sender saying what the email address is, and to have graduates list your name so it looks like you are doing your job.
But my beef isn't really with you LuAnn. Well, not exactly. With you, it's simple. Everything you sent me I've found much, MUCH earlier. Like the last one. An ad from playback magazine, emailed to me on April 27, which I found three days earlier. The one "job" that I've got through you guys, which you actually emailed me saying you thought I would get paid (like this wasn't a dead giveaway) was a freebie, shooting a pilot for television. And seeing as my education cost me upwards of twenty THOUSAND dollars, this doesn't help me pay the tab, nor eat, nor keep a roof over my head.
Guess what? I have been working construction. Just to keep myself fed, from the TWENTY THOUSAND dollar tab for my education. Definitely NOT what I have been trained for. I have been promised a job at CBC when I graduated, which by the way, being in the same building, have never heard of us. And having graduated with high honours, I would think it wouldn't be hard to get me a job.
UNLESS YOU DIDN'T TRY
Anyhow, the mandate of this blog is to take the piss, not to rant. In that spirit, I would first like to leave you a list of emails.
LuAnn Bilyk - Career Services LBilyk@IAOD.com
Rick Bennett - Co-ordinator, Digital Film and Television Production Program firstname.lastname@example.org
John Foote - Director, Toronto Film School email@example.com
Campus President firstname.lastname@example.org
Ministry of Education http://www.edu.gov.on.ca/eng/welcome.html
I shall populate more on this list in my comments. As for taking the piss... cut and paste this post into an email and send it to the above emails. Feel free to add your own two cents. Or four cents. Let them know how you feel about this. Tell some friends about this site. Send tons of virii in your email as attachments. If you have other suggestions, let me know.
Jeff aka neolithic
neolithic pondered at 19:15 |
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Lessons from Degrassi #3
Due to some unfortunate events, your 'umble writer hasn't put a post in for a few days. In an effort to get things back into gear, hopefully this will tickle your funny bone in some way to restore some sanity in the Golden World.
TODAY'S EPISODE: SPIKE GETS PREGNANT
And if you're like me having read that statement, certain things pop into mind right away.
1. Boys can't get pregnant.
2. What does a pre-teen to teen television program need to create such an issue as GULP nearly pre-teen pregnancy?
3. Who would ever name their child Spike?
Well, lets just ponder this. Spike is not a boy, she is a girl (note for all of you please make mention of the fact some words are bolded to reduce neck pain due to double-takes). And not only is Spike, who's stereotypical, birthname is Christine, is far from the most attractive girl at school (just as a sidenote, why did the producers write out one of the two attractive girls, Stephanie Kaye, after just one season)?
This sidenote brings two things to mind. First, they did a "almost" sex episode with Stephanie and Wheels (see Degrassi #2 for more details) but nothing ever happened. The moral? Well, since Spike is so shocking, it's simple. Only the ugly girls get pregnant. That explains a certain New York ex of mine. Ooops, did I say that out loud?
Secondly, why do the attractive girls (less Caitlyn Ryan... rrrwowrrrr!!!) get written out of the show? Are the producers blind? Are the attractive ones just plain shitty actors (see I can be sorta PC here and not imply gender roles on an occupation), or could it be what I really think. The attractive ones know how to use it and are just plain sluts on set. For god sakes kids this is a TV show. A KIDS TV show.
Hey there's a thought, to round this out. Maybe Spike got preggers cuz the actor who was playing her got preggers shagging a co-star in her trailer. As fatal a flaw as that could be, this was the episode that put CHEESEY Canadian Melodrama on the map.
neolithic pondered at 20:08 |
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Lesson from Degrassi #2
Today on Degrassi Junior High, the high point of Canadian Teen Melodrama, Wheels (yes the character's name is actually Wheels) is asked out to a movie by the prettiest girl in school (whom ironically is written out of the series after season 1) Stephanie Kaye. As the story progresses, one of the twins, being Heather and Ericka, asks Stephanie what she would do if Wheels (notice the finger motion quoting here) "tries anything", to which Stephanie replies "maybe I'll just let him." What the girls are unaware of is that two guys, in the library are eavesdropping (which, by watching the scene, is VERY poorly shot and blocked) and tell Wheels and his best pal Joey. The rumour mill flies too far out of control, and the pressure from their peers for the two to engage in sexual intercourse becomes intense. Joey takes Wheels to the pharmacy to buy a package of condoms, and when the big date happens, Wheels is soon greeted at the door by Stephanie's mom, who, surprise surprise, is the pharmacist who sold him his pack of rubbers.
CAN YOU SAY OOPS?
How this relates to now. Hmm... erm... ok how about this? The archaic institution, aka the Catholic Church, is one of the few groups remaining who FORBIDS the use of birth control, less one practice, being abstinance. But maybe there is a point here. Those ultra-conservative religious types, the ones who make Ned Flanders look like a satan worshipper, say that the church should not change to the fashions or the trends of the time. The Catholics refuse to be like Wheels and Stephanie, bowing to the pressure of the masses to try something new.
Haven't sexual urges existed as long as we have (hell a lot longer to be honest)? I can drone on and on and on, but I'll give a few points for thought.
1. Why is it that priests (who pledge a vow of celibacy) have engaged in rather immoral acts with choirboys?
2. Why is it that the Catholic Church calls the one pleasure rival to chocolate an evil and sinful act (eek is my chocolate ice cream next on the sin list)?
3. What drives a man to give up all sexual relations? Maybe, like Wheels and Stephanie, Mom caught them in the act, and the utter shock scared them from ever having sex again (and learned how to use that fear to encourage other Catholics to practice celibacy as the sole means of birth and disease control). Or maybe, it's the other way around. They caught Mom and Dad shagging.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW That could turn me off sex forever.
neolithic pondered at 19:59 |
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Prince Charles Has Eye Examination
For the first time in nearly thirty years, Charles, Prince of Wales, heir to the throne of England, had a not-quite-so routine visit to his optometrist. After a stern lecture about routine checkups, which Charles just smiled and nodded through, it was discovered that Charles needed prescription eyeware to correct major visual flaws that have been apparent for many years. Upon receiving his prescription contact lenses, Charles was aghast and in utter shock
when he realized the horrible mistake he made when he left Diana
I wonder if Charles will notice he needs some dental work soon as well.
neolithic pondered at 19:49 |
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Da da da da da... I'm Lovin' It!
Six months to the day since Paul Martin and his Liberals passed his famed "Truth in Advertising" legislation, also known as Bill 666 (ironically what spurred the Gomery commission), McDonald's has followed suit and re-named their menu to be legally truthful in the names and more importantly, the contents of their meals. The bill, which requires all businesses to be truthful, honest, without fine print or opinionated sway, around all forms of advertising, brand selection, product names, or responses to customer inquiries, is causing a ripple effect across the entire country.
As of 6 May, 2005, McDonald's Corporation of Canada, Ltd. has release their NEW menu to be compliant with all Canadian Federal and Legal Standards.
Excerpts from the menu changes include:
100% Beef now becomes Non-butchered cow parts plus soy
Big Mac now becomes Double Decker Lip and Ass Burger
Special Sauce now becomes Mayonnaise sat in the sun for three days
Fillet-O-Fish now becomes Fillet-O-Ocean Sea Creature
As well, due to the implications that McDonald's now faces financially from to a less appetizing menu, smiles cost $2.00 (USD to boot) each, and to add additional revenues, a "PB&J" may be ordered at select locations. Ask for Gretta for the PB&J special.
Paul Martin, after enjoying a Lip and Ass Burger
"Did somebody say PB&J?"
Gilles Duceppe, leader of the Bloc Quebecois, was asked about his feelings as to why McDonald's would change so quickly for Bill 666 and not the French Language Bill 101 from Quebec, ultimately forcing McDonald's to drop the "'s" from their name.
They added poutine to their menu.
neolithic pondered at 20:59 |
Lesson from Degrassi #1
I must say one thing about getting up at 5:30 AM to get to work in the mornings... SHOWCASE, television without borders (well, ok, it's Showcase DIVA, but still) plays the old, original, cute, melodramatic, Degrassi Jr. High, a show that Canadians (including your 'umble writer) and some Americans (it was co-funded by PBS in the states), now approaching middle age, pined to. Not only were the characters relateable, but dealt with issues facing teens that (well at the time) was reasonably current to what teens really dealt with. Drugs, teen pregnancy, alcoholism, drunk driving, etc.
Then it struck me... how this show could help deliver some life lessons to the world (and being a show whose scope was mainly toward Canada, constantly voted the BEST country to live in, maybe we could spread a little Canada around. And seeing as how many world leaders (*ahem* Dubya I'm definitely looking your way), are rather juvenile themselves, maybe, just maybe, Degrassi could make the world just that little bit better a place to live.
Joey Jerimiah, overhears the conversation between Kathleen and Melanie, which Melanie is let down that there are no drugs floating around the school, and wants to try some. Joey later approaches them and makes claim he's a dealer, and promptly sells the two each a pill. Except Joey just sold them vitamin pills. Yet, mysteriously, these vitamins get the girls high. Hilarity ensues.
NOTE TO WORLD LEADERS
First off, a little science. This could actually be the case (hell, look at herbal ecstasy). Just ponder this...
PLACEBO EFFECT (also known as non-specific effects) is the phenomenon that a patient's symptoms can be alleviated by an otherwise ineffective treatment, apparently because the individual expects or believes that it will work. Some people consider this to be a remarkable aspect of human physiology; others consider it to be an illusion arising from the way medical experiments were conducted.
Just think world leaders, what is the whole point on this war against drugs? What does it cause? You get liberals saying that drugs are less harmful than alcohol. You've got mafia and organized crime types bringing it in under the noses of security. It seems the thrill of it is a lot more about being illegal than the high they get. The solution?
Distribute vitamins amongst the crime lords. Loads of them. Have them sell said vitamins, under the guise of some cool drug name, lets say, haliperidol (yeah I know it's already made, but what the hey), and feed them to all the drug users.
What will happen?
1. They'll stay high.
2. They'll detox without the withdrawal symptoms.
3. They'll get their daily require dosage of vitamin C.
And the bonus (Dubya, are you listening)? Less money spent on the war against drugs. Bush, you can put more towards your "Welfare for Billionaires" initiative. Maybe as well, those 51% of the children in the leave no child behind? Maybe you can stop leaving them behind.
neolithic pondered at 07:37 |
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Before people start going ballistic here, I would just like to make one thing clear. What is being published is purely for the intentions of being humorous, funny, witty, all in good fun. But, not necessarily in good taste. If you have issues with any of these posts, please, allow me to be blunt.
One, simply don't come back and read.
Two, if you can't take a joke, don't be one.
neolithic pondered at 19:12 |