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Sunday, May 15, 2005
A Golden World Honours Sith Lord Darth Vader

Yes, at A Golden World, we salute Darth Vader, for not only being a fine example of leadership, compassion, and humanity, but as well, the BEST character in the history of motion pictures.

As to not slight the vast readership (ok the two or three of my friends who read this), A Golden World proudly brings you...

A Golden World Top Ten Runner's Up to Darth Vader as Best Movie Character

10. Dr. Hannibal Lecter, Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal, and Red Dragon.
9. James Tiberius Kirk, Star Trek I - VII.
8. Alex de Large, A Clockwork Orange.
7. Agent Smith, The Matrix Trilogy.
6. John Malkovich, Being John Malkovich.
5. William Wallace, Braveheart.
4. Gollum, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
3. Bob, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me.
2. Bill, Kill Bill, vol. 2.
1. Don Michael Corleone, The Godfather Trilogy.

Yes, what a potent and powerful list of characters who kick some major ass. Yet, for all the unfaithful (whose lack of faith I find DISTURBING) here is how and why Vader just plain kicks all of their asses.

Dr. Hannibal Lecter. Also known as "Hannibal the Cannibal", who ate his victims after murdering them. As to why, who knows, but he does say to Clarice in Silence of the Lambs: first principles. What is he doing. Maybe covering up his mess? Being a doctor, who until being caught assisted police in catching serial killers, must have known to hide the evidence. And maybe he was just hungry. Vader, is just not hiding from anyone. His attitude is more bring it on. That, and his victims either disappear into the force, or he has thousands of clones to clean up his mess for him.
Edge Vader.

James Tiberius Kirk. Canadian vs. Canadian (Hayden Christensen, who plays the human half of Vader, Anakin, is from Vancouver, BC, and grew up in Toronto, ON). Kirk has definitely gotten around more in the galaxy (just how much of his seed is really spread around? Ask Silk, she's got this Kirk thing going on), but frankly, Kirk has one true fear... hair loss. Anakin/Vader wears it much better. Plus Vader's offspring don't die in sequels.
Edge Vader.

Alex de Large. Alex killed a woman striking her on the head with a ceramic penis, but let himself get caught and brainwashed to be good. Vader struck down a Sith, Darth Tyrannus, hundreds of Jedi and younglings with his much more phallic sabre, and never got caught. It took over 20 years for his son, Luke, to brainwash him into being good, and killing the Emperor.
Edge Vader.

Agent Smith. In the Matrix, he is the equal to the "One", Neo, and the two end up cancelling each other out. But how does he even up to the "Chosen One"? Smith just keeps replicating himself over and over again, becoming what he hates, human, and thus, a VIRUS (it's rather funny how few people in my classes in film school caught on to the virus subtext. They smoked too much drugs. Between classes, before classes, after classes, during breaks. And more than just pot too). Vader, with his life capsule, can crush any virus that will attack his system. Falling into lava has it's advantages.
Edge Vader.

John Malkovich. The only one on the list with more style than the Sith. However, nobody on earth, let alone Lord Vader himself, would ever, EVER let Craig Schwartz enter their mind and turn them into a puppeteer.
Edge Vader.

William Wallace. Nobody has more balls than William Wallace. And Vader, after falling in lava, has none left as they are charred from his body. But William, old bean. Let go of your wife already. You nearly lost it for all of Scotland holding that silly little rag around the whole film. Vader let go of Padme and nearly killed both his son and daughter, if it hadn't been for the meddling of one galactic shit disturber, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Edge Vader.

Gollum. Super creepy, super funny, super entertaining. But you couldn't kill the stupid, fat hobbits, opting to let a giant spider named Shelob try to do you dirty work for you. Stupid ex-hobbit. Vader finishes his own jobs.
Edge Vader.

Bob. Bob succeeded where Vader failed. He managed to recruit his opponent, Special Agent Dale Cooper. But as speech impediments go, stop speaking backwards so we can hear you already. Vader has a crisper voice, and loud enough to be heard over his creepy mechanical breathing.
Edge Vader.

Bill. He's the man, but he's no Superman. He admits his former concubine, Beatrix Kiddo, she's Superman. He admits defeat before he faces her, only to lose. Well, Bill, though you've inherited Quentin's great style and dialogue, you've also inherited his lack of substance and lack of originality. Vader knows he's the man, and doesn't give ANYONE and edge. Hence...
Edge Vader.

Don Michael Corleone. The only one on the list to kill family in cold blood. Though Fredo had it coming really. You know your brother's nastier than your pops, and has less respect, just don't fuck with him. Not a selling point to deliberately kill you're family as a character. Vader's just plain posessed to kick the shit out of everyone, and kills his wife in blinded anger when she gets in his way.
Edge Vader.
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