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Saturday, May 21, 2005
A good start...

Which incidentally, is the punchline to one of my favourite jokes of all time. Which all started yesterday. At one of the GTA's big money traps, Canada's Wonderland (oops, I guess I'm getting old... Paramount Canada's Wonderland). I do have to admit... I hadn't been there in over ten years, but it felt like I was just there, like I was still a kid.

Then I read these words. Riders must not stand during the ride.

On TOP GUN, one of their newest coasters.

Which looks like this...


Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm filled with this one very disheartening question. How the fuck is one supposed to stand on a ride in which you dangle from underneath the track?

But it doesn't just happen there. On the other, all metal rail track coasters (more or less all the loopy ones), they all have harnesses that come over both shoulders (and are tight as hell too), and yet those rides ALSO have the no standing clause both printed in the waiting area for the ride, and as well is announced over the loudspeaker right before you ascend the first hill. Even with a floor, how are you supposed to stand up when you are locked into your car better than a high security prisoner transfer.

Then it starts to hit me. Combine the above issue with the following:

Why do all coffee cups caution you their contents may be hot?

Why do fast food restaurants have to emblazen their washrooms and serving areas with signs authenticating that "employees must (and therefore do) wash their hands?"

Why does, in the instructions in a microwave, state that one SHOULD not heat their cat with the device?

Why do rides tell you that you "may" get wet?

It's simple. Some idiot, probably drunk or high, stood up on a roller coaster and fell out. Somebody poured, more than likely accidentally, scalding hot coffee on themselves. Some gross employee, probably at McDonald's of all filth merchants, didn't wash their hands (though this probably INCREASES the nutritional content of their "food"). Some old lady cooked her cat in a microwave and was shocked when the poor creature exploded (sadly enough from what I've read something like this really happened). And last but not least, some total retard went on a water ride, like this one...

That not only splashes you after hitting water dropping down a hill, but takes the piss by geysering you on the way to the unload station, soaking you totally like this...


But why would these corporate companies care? They only care about the dollar. Which is what they lost. Why?

Because of the true scum of the Universe. Not Vogons. Not Emperor Palpatine/Darth Sidious (you heard me, don't expect to be spoiler free here). Even worse than Dubya himself. LAWYERS. These people would rape and kill their own mothers to get a profit. And you may laugh, you think it's ok? Look at the above examples. It takes a brain dead moron to do any of the above things (well ok, spilling coffee is inevitable, but it takes a certain brain malfunction to not realize the brown liquid is hot). But yet, it truly seems that ignorance is bliss, as you can do the utterly stupid, and get paid for it. It's like all of existence is turning into a dreaded reality TV show already.

Cancel this shit already, let's evolve to the 21st century, not digress backwards like most are, joining our apelike genetic cousins.

How do we do this?

ABOLISH ALL LAWYERS.

Or at least, chain 1000 of them to the bottom of the sea.

Why? Read the post again if you haven't figured that out yet.
neolithic pondered at 21:08
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